I’m back!

Good lord. Ttumblr_ln59toBrGW1qeaabho1_500his blog’s genesis was a cliché and now its timeline appears to be one as well. It was a new year’s “resolution”, albeit a tacit one, a “project” as I liked to call it, but, you know, that which we call a resolution by any other name would smell as deceptively promising. And of course I didn’t keep it longer than a couple of months, or the cliché wouldn’t have been complete.

Anyway, I’m back now, for however long. It could be just today or it could be longer. As always when my mind is in a blur, I’m writing down my thoughts so as to make them clearer.

Amidst more serious concerns of unpaid bills and summer joblessness, I’ve been thinking about relationships. I know, coming from a twenty-something girl on her holidays, groundbreaking! Oh well, it’s not like anyone reads this blog anyway.

I have thrown myself into one, a couple of months ago, much to my own surprise, as it certainly wasn’t part of my resolutions and maybe even against some of them. And therefore partly because I’m in one, and partly because I’ve just finished a Sex And The City marathon where romance and men were the main focus for 6 seasons and two movies (longer than they deserve, if you ask me), I have been inclined to give the topic my own share of thought.

My view on relationships has always been that in this day and age, they have become unnecessarily difficult. I tend to hold this view most firmly when I’m not in one, funnily enough. “They could be SO EASY”, I would think to myself, overlooking my bias as an outsider and somehow forgetting that human beings are less predictable than I like to think, “People in relationships are constantly overthinking everything.”. And yet, even now, up to a certain extent, I still seem believe the same thing.

Maybe it’s a generalization. Fine, I shall narrow it down and only speak for my gender. Girls in relationships, motivated by magazine articles, movies, TV shows and conversations with their girlfriends, are constantly overthinking theirs. Somehow, and I may be wrong, I doubt this was the case a century or two ago. And yes, I am aware of Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters, but their worries were real and concrete. The situations those female characters found themselves in had an actual bearing on the course of their lives, whether or not they decided to voice them. Too often, I feel, the problems our mind trick us into thinking we have would have no effect whatsoever on our couple if we didn’t decide to share them with our partners. And while I will defend the power of clear communication in a relationship till my last breath, I do wonder if the traditional male argument that suggests “women overthink too much” could possibly have a point.

If every individual person is different, and every relationship is different, how are we supposed to assess our own ? Are we good enough ? Are we supportive enough ? Do we spend enough time together ? Are we fighting too often ? Are we on the same page ? Are we happy ? Am I happy ? Is he/she happy ? What exactly should we expect ?

Maybe we should simply be, one day at a time. And see where that takes us.

Thoughts

It’s almost 2am over here and  for the better part of this past day, I’ve been feeling…paralyzed . I can’t think of a better word really. I don’t think it was sadness, or any specific emotion for that matter. I was simply…frozen. And I couldn’t really say why. Who am I kidding, I probably could, but would never admit to it. So I turn to blogging, in the (possibly naive) hope that putting down what’s been on my mind will make me feel better.

I think of myself a year ago exactly, and I think of how different things were back then. How promising the future looked in every way. And then I think of today, and of how drastically the tables have turned, and not exactly in my favor, or in anybody else’s, as far as I know. Maybe I should be even sadder after all. Why aren’t I ? Where am I getting this unnatural wave of optimism ? Some may argue that I might be thinking things couldn’t really get much worse, but they can actually. Who knows what the future holds ? I may be diagnosed with some deadly disease tomorrow, to top it all. And I’m well aware of that. The recent string of less than pleasant events that have constituted my life are in no way a guarantee that it will all be well now that I’ve survived them somehow. As one of Notting Hill’s characters let me know last night while I was indulging in a movie date with a pressurized can of whipped cream (and no, that’s not a euphemism for a boyfriend) : “The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life. No one knows why some things work out and some things don’t, why some of us get lucky and some of us…”

So you just make the best of it, and in the unfortunate case that’s still far from being Hurray-material, at least you get to be secure in the knowledge that there’s not much else you can do. Therefore, as they say (whoever they are), “you might as well live”.

I have probably learned and grown a lot this last year. I must have done. Even though I still lack the perspective to appreciate and measure any emotional growth of any shape or form. And I have this gut feeling that whatever I learned won’t be wasted. That it might have brought me its share of wisdom. And maybe, just maybe, if luck will have it, it could even take me a step closer to future happiness. That sounds like something out of the mouth of an inspirational speaker or a life coach. And it might be true.

The question remains however…Is it worth it ?

Given the choice, would you go through unbearable pain to be a little wiser, and possibly happier ?

I’m not sure I have the answer to this one.

Good thing there’s no decision to be made then. You’ll never be given that choice. Life will throw whatever it wants at you, and wisdom will be the last thing on your mind when it does.
And it’s probably all for the better.

Cheers.

Tomorrow at dawn – Demain dès l’aube

Tomorrow, at dawn, at the hour when the countryside whitens,

I will set out. You see, I know that you wait for me.

I will go by the forest, I will go by the mountain.

I can no longer remain far from you.

I will walk with my eyes fixed on my thoughts,

Seeing nothing of outdoors, hearing no noise

Alone, unknown, my back curved, my hands crossed,

Sorrowed, and the day for me will be as the night.

I will not look at the gold of evening which falls,

Nor the distant sails going down towards Harfleur,

And when I arrive, I will place on your tomb

A bouquet of green holly and of flowering heather.  

Victor Hugo

Ahead

The car door closed

And in the mirror

Our eyes locked

And I said

Please, just drive ahead

Just ahead, he said

 Just ahead, I said

My eyes waited for a nod

Before finally leaving his

And on the cold window

I rested my head

And sighed

And ahead we drove

Tread softly

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats