It’s almost 2am over here and for the better part of this past day, I’ve been feeling…paralyzed . I can’t think of a better word really. I don’t think it was sadness, or any specific emotion for that matter. I was simply…frozen. And I couldn’t really say why. Who am I kidding, I probably could, but would never admit to it. So I turn to blogging, in the (possibly naive) hope that putting down what’s been on my mind will make me feel better.
I think of myself a year ago exactly, and I think of how different things were back then. How promising the future looked in every way. And then I think of today, and of how drastically the tables have turned, and not exactly in my favor, or in anybody else’s, as far as I know. Maybe I should be even sadder after all. Why aren’t I ? Where am I getting this unnatural wave of optimism ? Some may argue that I might be thinking things couldn’t really get much worse, but they can actually. Who knows what the future holds ? I may be diagnosed with some deadly disease tomorrow, to top it all. And I’m well aware of that. The recent string of less than pleasant events that have constituted my life are in no way a guarantee that it will all be well now that I’ve survived them somehow. As one of Notting Hill’s characters let me know last night while I was indulging in a movie date with a pressurized can of whipped cream (and no, that’s not a euphemism for a boyfriend) : “The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life. No one knows why some things work out and some things don’t, why some of us get lucky and some of us…”
So you just make the best of it, and in the unfortunate case that’s still far from being Hurray-material, at least you get to be secure in the knowledge that there’s not much else you can do. Therefore, as they say (whoever they are), “you might as well live”.
I have probably learned and grown a lot this last year. I must have done. Even though I still lack the perspective to appreciate and measure any emotional growth of any shape or form. And I have this gut feeling that whatever I learned won’t be wasted. That it might have brought me its share of wisdom. And maybe, just maybe, if luck will have it, it could even take me a step closer to future happiness. That sounds like something out of the mouth of an inspirational speaker or a life coach. And it might be true.
The question remains however…Is it worth it ?
Given the choice, would you go through unbearable pain to be a little wiser, and possibly happier ?
I’m not sure I have the answer to this one.
Good thing there’s no decision to be made then. You’ll never be given that choice. Life will throw whatever it wants at you, and wisdom will be the last thing on your mind when it does.
And it’s probably all for the better.